Category: Life Page 2 of 3

Considerations

On June 12, 2022

I know I earlier talked about how AI capability research being dangerous was a reason to leave the industry. However, after some reflection, I realize that not all work in the AI/ML industry is the same. Not all of it involves advancing AI capability per se. Working as a machine learning engineer at a lower tier company applying existing ML technology to solve various problems is unlikely to contribute to building the AI that ends the world.

Given this being the case, I have occasionally wondered whether or not my decision to switch to the game industry was too hasty. I’ve noticed that my enthusiasm for gaming isn’t as strong as my interest in AI/ML was, and so it’s been somewhat surprisingly challenging to stay motivated in this field.

In particular, while I have a lot of what I think are neat game ideas, working as a game programmer generally doesn’t involve these. Working as a game programmer involves working on whatever game the leader of the team wants to make. When this matches one’s interests, it can work out well, but it’s quite possible to find oneself working on a game that they have little interest in actually playing.

Making a game that you’re not really invested in can still be fun in the way that programming and seeing your creation come to life is fun, but it’s not quite the same as building your dream game. In some sense, my game design hobby didn’t really translate over well into actual work, where practicalities are often far more important than dreams.

So, I’m at something of a crossroads right now. I’m still at Twin Earth for a while longer, but there’s a very good chance I’ll be parting ways with them in a few months time. The question becomes, do I continue to work in games, return to machine learning where I have most of my experience and credentials, or do something else?

In an ideal world, I’d be able to find a research engineer position working on the AI safety problem, but my survey of the field so far still suggests that the few positions that exist would require moving to San Francisco or London, which given my current situation would complicate things a lot. And honestly, I’d rather work remotely if it were at all possible.

Still, I do appreciate the chance I got to work in the game industry. At the very least I could get a clearer idea of what I was missing out on before. Although admittedly, my dip into games didn’t reach the local indie community or anything like that. So, I don’t know how I might have interacted with that culture or scene.

Not sure where I’m going with this. Realistically, my strengths are still more geared towards AI/ML work, so that’s probably my first choice in terms of career. On the other hand, Dreamyth was a thing once. I did at one time hold aspirations to make games. Given that I now actually know Unreal Engine, I could conceivably start finally actually making the games I want to make, even as just a side hobby.

I still don’t think I have the resources to start a studio. My wife is particularly against the idea of a startup. The reality is I should find a stable job that can allow my family to live comfortably.

These are ultimately the considerations I need to keep in mind.

…

by Josephius

On May 7, 2022

In Life, Poetry

Happy Birthday, and goodbye.
May your soul live on in the next world.
You who were the wind that never had a chance to take a first breath.
This world wasn’t fair to you.

It doesn’t matter what we were going to name you.
You can be anything, or anyone, now.
I’m sorry we couldn’t save you.
I’m sorry.

Little butterfly.
Perhaps in another parallel world things would be different.
You’d grow up and become a paladin, the things we wished for you.
The dreams that are impossible now.

I will remember you.
I will remember you.
I will remember you.
Happy Birthday, and goodbye.

Dissonance

by Josephius

On March 30, 2022

In Life

The heart never listens. Words fail me.

But the truth is I need to stop this.

I’m sorry.

It’s Okay

by Josephius

On March 29, 2022

In Life, Motivational

The reality is that people sometimes do stupid things for stupid reasons. Our motivations aren’t always pure and worthy and too often we get carried away by emotions that lead us to do things we later regret. This happens a lot because we are human.

To be human is to be flawed. It is to be stupid at the worst possible moments in ways that will reverberate in painful memories that we feel later like we’ll never live down. Sometimes we don’t try our best. Sometimes we actively hurt ourselves and those around us because of the pain we are feeling and we act in ways that are senseless.

And it’s okay.

It’s not great of course. But at the end of the day, a reasonable person understands the difficulty of self-control, the challenge of being able to put our best foot forward day in and day out without lapses or moments of weakness where we struggle to be who we want to be rather than who we feel like.

We feel our own pleasure and pain first and foremost, and only notice the pleasure and pain of others secondarily through our ability to reflect and imagine what others must be feeling. This requires effort. Sometimes we just don’t feel capable. So selfishness is truly an understandable state.

Sometimes people can lash out in malice and then try to justify to themselves that the other deserves it. Cognitive dissonance can trap people in cycles of hatred and pain. These things are unfortunate. But they are understandably human reactions.

The important thing, the thing that not enough people do, is face the pain in themselves and recognize the extent to which they are holding onto things they don’t really need to. Sometimes it’s something they just can’t let go of. In which case one must show the kindest patience to them.

The right thing to do is often terribly hard to those for whom survival is a battle, who don’t have the luxury of distance, or the luck of gentler friendships. The world has made them understandably jaded and cynical. They probably will find it hard to trust you. And that’s also okay. You don’t need them to.

At the end of the day, what matters is that you don’t give up on them. You’re there if they ever need anything. You try to be encouragement when you can be, but you also understand the hurt they feel may never allow things to be as you’d hope. And that too is okay.

You may never know what it is in their hearts that makes them the way they are. But you understand that they are worthy of your kindness, because that’s who you want to be. And even if sometimes you feel frustrated and somehow make things worse, well, you’re human too.

No matter what they did, you want them to know it’s okay. You want them to be happy, even if it’s not something easy to say. And that too, is okay.

Some Thoughts

by Josephius

On March 28, 2022

In Life, Motivational

Note: Originally posted on Facebook on July 8, 2019

There are many things in this world that are not under our control. That’s fine. Worrying about those things is not productive, so try not to. Focus your energies instead on the things that you can reasonably affect around you. Do what you can to make the experiences of life around you something better first. If the opportunity arises to do something big and important, go for it. But not every circumstance is the same. Make the most of it, do what you earnestly, sincerely believe is right, to the best of your ability and understanding.

We are only responsible for what is within our power to change, nothing more, nothing less. Sometimes we think we are weak when we are strong, and vice versa. We cannot be certain that we are right, but it is our responsibility to try to understand as much as we can, and act according to the reason that makes us uniquely human.

Mistakes are inevitable. No one is perfect. We are all born into this world knowing nothing, forced to struggle to learn the truth in a world filled with uncertain doubts, grand deceptions, and unfathomable mysteries. That many of us rise above these things and reach towards wisdom despite them, should be applauded as the triumph of human decency and spirit.

Do not expect things to be easy, because all that’s left are the hard problems that caused past intellectual giants to stumble and fall. It takes humility to recognize that the challenges we face are not trivial, and that we may not see much progress in our lifetime. But if we can plant the seeds of the future, we can hope that the countless generations after us will be eternally grateful for our willingness to volunteer and sacrifice to do what we believe in.

Try not to let the harsh realities of the world shape you, but instead, adventure to reshape the world around you in a way that is beneficial to all who share in this place we call home.

Try to understand, and be gentle to those who are ignorant, for not everyone is as lucky as you who have the luxury to seek sometimes painful truths rather than the comfort of ideas that console and justify. And be always vigilant against allowing ourselves to be intellectually lazy, seeking convenient facts that excuse our past choices, rather than ones that will help us to make better decisions in the future.

It is likely beyond human comprehension to see the full view of the truth. We are invariably tied to the senses and our nature. But perhaps if we make the effort, we can still catch a glimpse of the possible, through the power of imagination and creativity.

Life is a gift, a rare chance to be a part of something exciting and wondrous. And though there will be moments when we don’t feel well, that’s okay too. Not every day needs to be bliss. Life tends to be a myriad of experiences, and so long as on balance, there is more happiness than suffering, I would argue the world is good enough to justify protecting and improving it, making it all the more worthwhile.

Ideally, we do so in a way that is fair to everyone, without exception.

Just some thoughts.

Impressions

by Josephius

On March 17, 2022

In Life, Motivational

The truth of the matter is that there are people in this world who have left a lasting and profound impression on me. Were it not for them, I likely would never have learned the lessons I did and become the person I am. Ultimately, for that I am truly grateful to have crossed paths.

Echoes

by Josephius

On March 16, 2022

In Life

I remember the lights. It was a night downtown walking with friends. We had this way of ignoring the traffic lights and narrowly averting disaster. I felt alive. It was silly…

I remember the snow. My hands were freezing, but these cardboard boxes needed to be flattened or else we’d all get into trouble later I thought. You were inside, dancing with Daniel I guess. Much later he told me that he’d really meant it when he told you he and his ex were done, and it wasn’t just a temporary thing at the time that she later claimed. I think he didn’t realize I had no way of telling you this tidbit by that point…

I remember waking up and seeing your silhouette outside of the kitchen screen door for some reason. The dinner the previous night had not digested well and I ran to the washroom. Sorry for not letting you in when you were trapped outside for a while. This was after that Durarara marathon, where we’d slept on couches since it had been so late. I think I accidentally stepped on the cat that night as I was fumbling in the dark. Poor cat. He seemed confused…

I remember being angry when it turned out the assignment required more memory than your poor laptop could handle. I honestly respected that you wanted to look through the code and try to understand it and make it your own. The perfume though was a bit strong. I could smell it even from across the room…

I remember when you meowed back at me. We were at my place surrounded by friends getting ready to watch some anime and I took you by surprise by meowing at you in the first place…

I remember when we first met at the bubble tea event. I’d seen your picture on the Facebook group before, but this was the first time in person. The Star Trek movie was on in the background, and a bunch of the folks I’d learn to call friends for a time were there…

I remember the last time you said anything to me in person. It was after a different bubble tea event two years later. You told me you didn’t appreciate the talks we’d had and wasn’t interested in another one, and walked off. It took a while for me to process what you’d said, and by then you were gone…

I remember the first Halloween party. The time I was a ninja and showed off my martial arts prowess with a wooden sword in a small park. You were dressed in a sorta elegant gothic lolitaish dress. Alas, despite being a ninja, I didn’t know how to dance…

I remember at another Halloween event, while holding the door for everyone, exhausted from the day of turning cardboard boxes and garbage bags into a haunted house, someone touched my hand as she went past. I still don’t know who that was, and it probably doesn’t matter now…

I remember the day I lost your trust. You’d already printed out the form I’d asked you to print for me and didn’t even look at what was on it, since it was technically confidential tax stuff. I was standing in your room, complaining about stupid emo things that didn’t matter even back then. You kept saying if I trusted you, I’d say what I wanted to say. So I put my hand on the stack of journals on your lap and said something. Not really what I wanted to say to be honest. I couldn’t say that. To let you know I was deeply, madly in love with you back then…

I remember when we went together to the Durarara cosplay meetup at the convention. After the old cellphones were broken to bits to re-enact that scene, I told people the next Dollars mission was to clean things up for the environment, then promptly went to a photoshoot rather than staying and helping like I really should have to set a better example…

I remember meeting you at the sushi restaurant. I’d gotten there early and made a bunch of blue roses out of crafting paper from a store nearby, thinking this was such a good idea for some reason. You didn’t seem impressed. I remember generally being an idiot back then, and not taking the rejection well…

I remember you wanting to be the next Marie Curie. I think I mentioned this to a certain mutual friend shortly before a certain game of Apples-To-Apples…

I remember being annoyed that the PSP was so expensive that even with all the donations they covered only half the cost, as this was before the price drop. The most important thing was that it came from the club, and not from me. I gave you a less impressive throwaway present at the same time to try to make it seem this way. You seemed very happy when you opened the present from the club. I ran away and didn’t see the rest of what happened though…

I remember you standing at the front of the classroom. I remember how you could command the attention of everyone in the room, even though you were talking about something like Vocaloid fandoms…

I remember karaoke. You sang songs in Japanese that I couldn’t. I sang dumb emo English songs because back then that was all I knew…

I remember that you wanted to make sure your distant future child if it was a boy would read some girls’ literature so he could understand the female mind and experience…

I remember you said your dad’s bible was the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. You recommended it to me, and I read it eventually. I learned what synergy really means from that book…

I remember thinking for some reason it would be a good idea to get you a copy of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, even though it was probably, in retrospect, not something you would find tasteful…

I remember walking through a museum, wishing that I had gone with you instead of on my own. For some reason I thought the dark, morbid exhibit would interest you somehow. I think my state of mind wasn’t great at that point…

I remember reading your LiveJournal and feeling empathy towards your daily struggles, but never being self-confident enough to reach out and show that I cared…

I remember being an awkward, cringey person. You were as kind to me as you could be, all things considered…

I remember you because you left a deep impression on me. And for that, I’m grateful to have crossed paths. Thank you. I’m sorry I wasn’t the good friend you deserved. I’ve done my best to try to be better since then. You helped me become who I am now. Again, thank you.

What Does It Mean?

by Josephius

On March 14, 2022

In Life

It’s a strange thing. Despite everything, there’s still a part of me that cares about how she’s doing these days. Why her? Of all the people in the world, why is it that I worry about how she feels now?

I love my wife very much, but I also know exactly how she’s doing now, so it doesn’t bother me like it does with this person. This person who for all intents and purposes abandoned me as a friend a decade ago. Any sane person would have long ago given up hope to reconcile. Like, I know that events in your twenties supposedly leave a deeper impression or something. Maybe that’s it?

Or maybe I feel residual responsibility for not representing what I believed in well, and so I worry she learned the wrong lessons and came to the wrong conclusions because I failed as an example. That seems, kinda arrogant though, to think that my small failures would leave much of an impression on someone who I knew to be strong-willed and principled in her outlook.

Or maybe it’s the strange things I’ve heard that suggest she took it particularly badly. Of course, every attempt I’ve made to reach out has only made things worse, so I don’t even know if there’s anything I can reasonably do to alleviate things.

And… I don’t trust myself to read the tea leaves in an unbiased way. I have a history of reading too much into small signs that in truth meant nothing.

So, I’m left with just a sense of loss and guilt. It’s my fault that things got this way in the first place. Ultimately, I must bear the consequences of my foolish youth. I won’t say that the feelings are all gone, but at this point, I mostly just miss my friends. Technically both of them, though they are not sisters. It’s a long story, and not one I think is worth bringing up in any sort of detail on a post like this.

I guess I also have a nagging worry about certain other people who may have had ill intentions and could have contributed to things, though I can’t confirm with certainty whether this was the case. Regardless, it was my fault that I handled the whole situation poorly.

I suppose that’s the thing. An apology never properly spoken. A wish to at least let her know what she perhaps fears isn’t true. A way to clear the air and fix possible misunderstandings. This is what I want. But I know I don’t deserve it.

Or maybe I’m mistaken. Maybe I was wrong about her. That could explain a lot. But for some reason I cling to the faith in my former friends, that they are decent people and wouldn’t go that far. Honestly though, I can’t know for certain. I can only hope it’s a misunderstanding that’s just spiralled out of control.

A misunderstanding I enabled by being unreliable and inconsistent in the first place. I can’t control what others think or do, but I should have done better than I did. I lost her trust. That was my fault. If that didn’t happen, everything could have been figured out better. I could have asked about the thing that made me paranoid, and found out the probably mundane reason for it. Regrettably, I let things spiral into chaos and confusion instead.

And then I continued to do some really dumb things that just made things worse. The rest is history.

So, what does it mean? It means I get hung up on past regrets easily. It means sometimes there’s no way forward. Life can be painfully indifferent in that way. And people suffer for your mistakes, and you can do nothing to help them. This is a dark reality. The truth of the brutality of the universe.

I normally try to somehow turn this around to say something I think is inspiring, but sometimes it’s just impossible. You’re put in impossible situations with no good way out. Except to let go and move on, I guess. The universe is not a wish granting machine. It is a pile of stuff that occasionally moves and fights you for the limited amount of energy present. That we are able to push together a remotely satisfactory life out of this struggle is to be applauded I suppose. But we can’t always get what we want.

Sometimes problems evolve to the point where there is just no solution. In which case, one should focus on other problems instead. But it doesn’t feel great.

What Does It Mean?

by Josephius

On March 14, 2022

In Life, Poetry

What does it mean to dream of lost ones?

To wish and yearn for a past that never was?

What does it mean to believe in someone?

And hold secrets in your heart for eternity?

What does it mean to not know the future?

But wander through timelines that can’t exist?

What does it mean to seek solace in obscurity?

And to choose to be forgotten rather than seen?

It means that there are places we cannot go.

And dreams we can never fulfill.

It means our hopes are dashed in a darkness unknown.

And yet we stand again to face a mysterious calling.

And so it cannot be.

And yet it must be.

That we reflect the image of the divine.

That we burden ourselves so that others may feel light.

On Politics, Being a Liberal, and The Canadian Federal Election 2021

by Josephius

On September 16, 2021

In Life, Politics

So, a bit of background to explain where I’m coming from. I’ve been on and off involved in politics since my university days, when I took a first year political studies course and participated in the online forum discussions. I also took a political philosophy course. Back then I identified initially as a Christian Socialist and a communitarian on most political issues. As my political values matured this morphed into support for centre-left modern liberalism. It was back then that I started going to meetings of the Young Liberals. I still remember, back in the day, shaking hands with Michael Ignatieff during a rally. I didn’t join the party though until a chance meeting at the Young Liberals with Sheila Copps, who convinced me to get more involved.

Thus, when the Liberals were going through yet another leadership race after Ignatieff stepped down, I joined the party and initially sought to support Marc Garneau, the former astronaut. He eventually dropped out and encouraged his supporters to support Justin Trudeau. While I was wary of Trudeau being a kind of princeling, I respected that he had charisma, and voted for his leadership candidacy. Afterwards I bought a copy of his book, Common Ground, and admitted it was a decent read, more relevant at least than Ignatieff’s The Needs of Strangers, which had told me little about where Ignatieff actually stood on things or why.

In 2015, there was an election. The increasingly tired Conservative government under Stephen Harper faced off against a refreshed Liberal party under Trudeau, as well as the NDP under Thomas Mulcair, the Bloc Quebecois under Gilles Duceppe, and the Green party under Elizabeth May. By then I was quite angered by Harper’s government, and it only got more so when he made a series of controversial choices that seemed to play to the xenophobia of the far-right.

When the election started, and Harper started using dog-whistles like “old stock Canadians”, I was incensed and felt motivated to kick these people out of office in favour of someone who, back in those heady days, I thought was a breath of fresh air. Back when Trudeau said “A Canadian is a Canadian is a Canadian”, taking a seemingly less than popular stand on the issue of second class citizenship rights to would-be terrorists, I thought of him as the closest we had to a Captain Canada, who would stand up for Charter rights and the Canadian ideals I believe in.

And so, after canvassing and making phone calls and doing a bunch of random odd jobs that needed to be done as a volunteer, I remember being a scrutineer for the Liberals on election day 2015, and hearing from the dejected Conservative scrutineers who’d just checked their phones and found out that us Liberals had managed to win a majority. Somehow.

Back then I was quite happy with things politically. After the election, the newly elected Liberal MP decided I was a reliable enough person that I was encouraged to run as VP Policy on the board of the riding association. I was acclaimed and sat for about a year, though work on the job front ended up distracting me greatly and I didn’t end up doing as much as I would have liked in terms of making things happen. I’d hoped to organize a town hall event for them and other things, but instead there was a rush to get our policy resolutions ready for the upcoming convention and the process wasn’t as grassroots as I would have liked. Neverthless, it was fun to be on the board of a sitting MP, who had stories to tell about Parliament Hill.

Over time though, the realities of governance led to my developing grievances with Trudeau and his way of handling things. I did not like his decision to essentially renege on the promise that 2015 would be the last election by First Past The Post. Electoral reform was an important issue to me, one that, while knocking on doors, I’d declared confidently that we’d do. So it was disappointing.

Other disappointments also happened. Things like SNC-Lavalin and the way Trudeau handled the Jody Wilson Raybould situation. Generally, I became somewhat disillusioned. At one point, I found myself in a debate with old Liberal friends on Facebook on these issues, as I showed my dissent within the party over Trudeau’s judgment.

So, in addition to being quite busy with work, by now having landed a job at a major tech company, I was not motivated to help out when the 2019 election rolled around, and I basically sat it out.

More recently, I’ve also noticed a drift in my political values, that I’ve gradually shifted leftward and away from the centre. While the Liberals still fit within my positions, I’ve also admittedly looked at other parties like the NDP and Greens, and provided them some modest donations (ostensibly to support all the progressive parties), if not actually volunteering or joining them. Locally, I still support the Liberals, because I tend to find the local candidates of the Liberal party to be higher quality in terms of who I would want to represent me in Ottawa.

I participated in the online Liberal convention this year. I voted for pharmacare and a basic income to be our policies in the future. To be honest, I was a little disappointed that the NDP are more interested in having these policies in their platform than whoever wrote the Liberal platform.

Before the 2021 election call, I moved to a new riding. I noticed that the race here has historically been a close one between the Liberals and Conservatives, similar to my old riding. So, I got into contact with the local Liberals and the candidate. In some ways the candidate reminded me of the past candidate I’d helped. Understated, yet a strong, thoughtful, and thoroughly professional person who seems to sincerely care about their constituents and want to do good in Ottawa. These are the types of Liberals I find that keep me with this party.

I’ll admit I still have reservations about giving Trudeau another mandate. A part of me wonders if it wouldn’t be better to see turnover at the top. But then, in the English debate, I was reminded of why I voted for Trudeau. Even Jagmeet Singh admits that Trudeau seems to really care. Singh seems to think he doesn’t do enough, but respects that Trudeau at least shares some common values.

When Trudeau called the election, I didn’t like it. I thought it was unnecessary in the face of this pandemic. But at the same time, I respect that Trudeau did a lot when the pandemic first hit, that he has guided the country fairly well all things considered in a very trying time. And when the odious PPC protesters shout and throw gravel at him, a part of me wants to defend him. He may be wrong sometimes, but overall, he’s decent-hearted leader, trying his best to balance the complexities of Canada and the world.

So, I am volunteering for the Liberals again this election. I do so with somewhat more mixed feelings than I did in 2015, but I still think this is the right thing to do. To be engaged in politics and democracy and be present in the processes that lead to the leadership of the country. I may not be a candidate or anyone of particular importance, but I think it’s important to participate in politics. For the greatest good of this country, and the world.