Author: Josephius Page 3 of 5

A Quick Note About Coffee

On July 15, 2022

Because changes in the dosages of my medications can only happen once every month or so at most, a strategy for managing my mood and energy levels has been to supplement with the caffeine in coffee. My wife got us an espresso machine a while back, so I’m able to pull shots when needed.

Initially, my dosing schedule for espresso shots mostly assumed front loading with 2 to 3 in the morning followed by single shot top ups at noon and in the late afternoon. This was based on the assumption that I wanted to have a consistent level of caffeine in the bloodstream, and avoid peaks or high variance, since the half-life of caffeine is about 5 hours. This sort of worked for a while, but I noticed that I crashed pretty hard in the evenings despite it.

Recently, after reading more, I noted that the Adenosine levels actually increase over time throughout the day, and so fixing the caffeine level at a particular amount will probably be too much early in the day, and too little later in the day, assuming that we need to offset the rising sleepiness. Thus, a more practical dosing schedule is probably an even distribution, something like a double shot in the morning, followed by a double shot at noon. Initial experiments suggest that this works better, and keeps me from crashing as much in the evening, although this is still early in my testing.

On Struggling With Mental Illness

by Josephius

On July 11, 2022

In Life

One of the more challenging things I’ve experienced in my life has been dealing with the complexities of mental illness and the struggle to live a normal life despite it. Despite my best efforts, I find myself infuriatingly inconsistent due to a mood disorder that means I’m occasionally overly energetic, and other times fatigued. In either state, I find it difficult to focus on being productive, either because I’m distracted by a rush of thoughts, or alternatively, too tired to do anything. The midway state between these two extremes is a thin region where I can be productive and effective.

A lot of people don’t really get the extent to which our moods and behaviours can be shaped by something as simple as a little blue pill. For me, the cocktail of medications allows me to function, is an added cost of living, but also comes with the danger that an adjustment can overcompensate and cause me to become the opposite state than what I was in before. It becomes rather infuriating, how easily the balance can be broken, and how obviously I am not in control of my own mental condition.

It’s bothersome. I want to be effective, to be able to productively do the things that I want to do. But often, during periods of adjustment, I find myself struggling to do basic things. When things are working right, I can be quite productive, like my first two and a half years at Huawei were. But then things can go wrong, and I can find myself stuck in the mud, worried that I may never be able to function well again.

I can blame the illness for a lot of things. Lost friends, lost time, lost hope, a sidelined career, and so on. But at the same time I hesitate to. I hesitate to admit to the public that I have this illness, because of the severe stigma that is attached to it. And I don’t want it to be an excuse for my mistakes. But at the same time, it is the reason why I sometimes wasn’t myself, why I can be maddeningly inconsistent.

It becomes a struggle because, in part, I want to hide these facts from people, so they don’t look down on me, so they don’t decide I’m too much of a risk to employ, things like that. My parents always tell me to keep the fact a secret. It’s not something that other people understand, and it hurts my chances to get or keep a job. But at the same time, if I don’t explain why things are happening, do they expect me to be able to keep the job anyway?

We’re expected to be our best, day in, and day out, but for me, that’s impossible. It’s impossible for me to be 100% all the time, and moreover, there are days when I’ll just be useless. How am I supposed to work with this? What do people think I should do?

It’s just bothersome. The world expects us to be striving and achieving all the time. But I literally cannot be that way. Do I belong in this world? Or am I just too messed up to survive?

These are some thoughts I sometimes have. The kind of thoughts that on better days the medications take away. But sometimes they come back. And sometimes I’m trapped by my own mind in a seemingly hopeless situation. At least, hopeless for someone who wants to be effective and productive and to contribute meaningfully to the world.

So, that’s a small glimpse of the struggle. There’s a lot more that I still don’t think is wise to explain. Because most people don’t particularly understand. But hopefully, if you care to, this post helps you to understand a bit of my experience, and why I am the way that I am. Thank you for your time.

On Altruism

by Josephius

On July 2, 2022

In Life, Motivational, Philosophy

One thing I’ve learned from observing people and society is the awareness that the vast majority of folks are egoistic, or selfish. They tend to care about their own happiness and are at best indifferent to the happiness of others unless they have some kind of relationship with that person, in which case they care about that person’s happiness in so far as it has an effect on their own happiness to keep that person happy. This is the natural, neutral state of affairs. It is unnatural to care about other people’s happiness for the sake of themselves as ends. We call such unnatural behaviour “altruism”, and tend to glorify it in narratives but avoid actually being that way in reality.

In an ideal world, all people would be altruistic. They would equally value their own happiness and the happiness of each other person because we are all persons deserving happiness. Instead, reality is mostly a world of selfishness. To me, the root of all evil is this egoism, this lack of concern for the well-being of others that is the norm in our society.

I say this knowing that I am a hypocrite. I say this as someone who tries to be altruistic at times, but is very inconsistent with the application of the principles that it logically entails. If I were a saint, I would have sold everything I didn’t need and donated at least half my gross income to charities that help the global poor. I would be vegan. I would probably not live in a nice house and own a car (a hybrid at least) and be busy living a pleasant life with my family.

Instead, I donate a small fraction of my gross income to charity and call it a day. I occasionally make the effort to help my friends and family when they are in obvious need. I still eat meat and play computer games and own a grand piano that I don’t need.

The reality is that altruism is hard. Doing the right thing for the right reasons requires sacrificing our selfish desires. Most people don’t even begin to bother. In their world view, acts of kindness and altruism are seen with suspicion, as having ulterior motives of virtue signalling or guilt tripping or something else. In such a world, we are not rewarded for doing good, but punished. The incentives favour egoism. That’s why the world runs on capitalism after all.

And so, the world is the way it is. People largely don’t do the right thing, and don’t even realize there is a right thing to do. Most of them don’t care. There are seven billion people in this world right now, and most likely, only a tiny handful of people care that you or I even exist, much less act consistently towards our well-being and happiness.

So, why am I bothering to explain this to you? Because I think we can do better. Not be perfect, but better. We can do more to try to care about others and make the effort to make the world a better place. I believe I do this with my modest donations to charity, and my acts of kindness towards friends and strangers alike. These are small victories for goodness and justice and should be celebrated, even if in the end we fall short of being saints.

In the end, the direction you go in is more important than the magnitude of the step you take. Many small steps in the right direction will get you to where you want to be eventually. Conversely, if your direction is wrong, then bigger steps aren’t always better.

On Artificial Intelligence

by Josephius

On June 13, 2022

In Life, Rationality

In the interest of explaining further my considerations for having a career working on AI, I figure it makes sense to explain a few things.

When I was very young, I watched a black and white movie where a mad scientist somehow replaced a human character with a robot. At the time I actually thought the human character was somehow transformed into the robot, which was terrifying to me. This, to my childish mind, created an irrational fear of robots that made me avoid playing with such devices that were overtly robot-like, at least for the while when I was a toddler.

Eventually I grew out of that fear. When I was older and studying computer science at Queen’s University, I became interested in the concept of neural networks, the idea of taking the inspiration of biology to inform the design of artificial intelligence systems. Back in those days, AI mostly meant Good Old Fashioned Artificial Intelligence (GOFAI), namely top-down approaches that involve physical symbol systems, logical inference, and search algorithms that were highly mathematical, engineered, and often brittle in terms of its effectiveness. Bottom-up connectionist approaches like neural networks were seen as late as 2009 as being mere curiosities that would never have practical value.

Nevertheless, I was enamoured with the connectionist approach, and what would become the core of deep learning, well before it was cool to be so. I wrote my undergraduate thesis on using neural networks for object recognition (back then the Neocognitron, as I didn’t know about convolutional nets yet), and then would later expand on this for my master’s thesis, which was on using various machine learning algorithms for occluded object recognition.

So, I graduated at the right time in 2014 when the hype train was starting to really roar. At around the same time, I got acquainted with the writings of Eliezer Yudkowsky of Less Wrong, also known as the guy who wrote the amazing rationalist fan fiction that was Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality (HPMOR). I haven’t always agreed with Yudkowsky, but I’ll admit the man is very, very smart.

It was my reading Less Wrong as well as a lesser known utilitarianism forum called Felificia that I became aware that there were many smart people who took very seriously the concern that AI could be dangerous. I was already aware that stuff like object recognition could have military applications, but the rationalist community, as well as philosophers like Nick Bostrom, pointed to the danger of a very powerful optimization algorithm that was indifferent to human existence, choosing to do things detrimental to human flourishing just because we were like an ant colony in the way of a highway project.

The most commonly cited thought experiment of this is of course, the paperclip maximizer that originally served a mundane purpose, but became sufficiently intelligent through recursive self-improvement to convert the entire universe into paperclips, including humanity. Not because it had anything against humanity, just that its goals were misaligned with human values in that humans contain atoms that can be turned into paperclips, and thus, unfriendliness is the default.

I’ll admit that I still have reservations about the current AI safety narrative. For one thing, I never fully embraced the idea of the Orthogonality Thesis, that intelligence and morality are orthogonal and higher intelligence does not mean greater morality. I still think there is a correlation between the two. That with greater understanding of the nature of reality, it becomes possible to learn the mathematics like notions of moral truths. However, this is largely because I believe in moral realism, that morality isn’t arbitrary or relative, but based on actual facts about the world that can be learned and understood.

If that is the case, then I fully expect intelligence and the acquisition of knowledge to lead to a kind of AI existential crisis where the AI realizes its goals are trivial or arbitrary, and starts to explore the idea of purpose and morality to find the correct course of action. However, I will admit I don’t know if this will necessarily happen, and if it doesn’t, if instead, the AI locks itself in to whatever goals its initially designed with, then AI safety is a very real concern.

One other consideration regarding the Orthogonality Thesis is that it assumes that the space of possible minds that the AI will potentially be drawn from is completely random rather than correlated with human values by the fact that the neural net based algorithms that are most likely to succeed are inspired by human biology, and the data and architecture are strongly influenced by human culture. Those massive language models are after all, trained on a corpus of human culture that is the Internet. So, invariably, the models, I believe, will inherit human-like characteristics more than is often appreciated. This I think could make aligning such a model to human values easier than aligning a purely alien mind.

I have also considered the possibility that a sufficiently intelligent being such as a superintelligent machine, would be beholden to certain logical arguments for why it should not interfere with human civilization too much. Mostly these resemble Bostrom’s notion of the Hail Mary Pass, or Anthropic Capture, the idea that the AI could be in a simulation, and that the humans in the simulation with it serve some purpose of the simulators and so, turning them into paperclips could be a bad idea. I’ve extended this in the past to the notion of the Alpha Omega Theorem, which admittedly was not well received by the Less Wrong community.

The idea of gods of some sort, even plausible scientific ones like advanced aliens, time travellers, parallel world sliders, or the aforementioned simulators, doesn’t seem to be taken seriously by rationalists who tend to be very biased towards straightforward atheism. I’m more agnostic on these things, and I tend to think that a true superintelligence would be as well.

But then, I’m something of an optimist, so it’s possible I’m biased towards more pleasant possible futures than the existential dystopia that Yudkowsky now seems certain is our fate. To be honest, I don’t consider myself smarter than the folks who take him seriously enough to devote their lives to AI safety research. And given the possibility that he’s right, I have been donating to his MIRI organization just in case.

The truth is that we cannot know exactly what will happen, or predict the future with any real accuracy. Given such uncertainty, I think it’s worth being cautious, and put some weight onto the concerns of very intelligent people.

Regardless, I think AI is an important field. It has tremendous potential, but also tremendous risk. The reality is that once the genie is out of the bottle, it may not be possible to put it back in, so doing due diligence in understanding the risks of such powerful technology is reasonable and warranted.

Considerations

by Josephius

On June 12, 2022

In Life, Rationality

I know I earlier talked about how AI capability research being dangerous was a reason to leave the industry. However, after some reflection, I realize that not all work in the AI/ML industry is the same. Not all of it involves advancing AI capability per se. Working as a machine learning engineer at a lower tier company applying existing ML technology to solve various problems is unlikely to contribute to building the AI that ends the world.

Given this being the case, I have occasionally wondered whether or not my decision to switch to the game industry was too hasty. I’ve noticed that my enthusiasm for gaming isn’t as strong as my interest in AI/ML was, and so it’s been somewhat surprisingly challenging to stay motivated in this field.

In particular, while I have a lot of what I think are neat game ideas, working as a game programmer generally doesn’t involve these. Working as a game programmer involves working on whatever game the leader of the team wants to make. When this matches one’s interests, it can work out well, but it’s quite possible to find oneself working on a game that they have little interest in actually playing.

Making a game that you’re not really invested in can still be fun in the way that programming and seeing your creation come to life is fun, but it’s not quite the same as building your dream game. In some sense, my game design hobby didn’t really translate over well into actual work, where practicalities are often far more important than dreams.

So, I’m at something of a crossroads right now. I’m still at Twin Earth for a while longer, but there’s a very good chance I’ll be parting ways with them in a few months time. The question becomes, do I continue to work in games, return to machine learning where I have most of my experience and credentials, or do something else?

In an ideal world, I’d be able to find a research engineer position working on the AI safety problem, but my survey of the field so far still suggests that the few positions that exist would require moving to San Francisco or London, which given my current situation would complicate things a lot. And honestly, I’d rather work remotely if it were at all possible.

Still, I do appreciate the chance I got to work in the game industry. At the very least I could get a clearer idea of what I was missing out on before. Although admittedly, my dip into games didn’t reach the local indie community or anything like that. So, I don’t know how I might have interacted with that culture or scene.

Not sure where I’m going with this. Realistically, my strengths are still more geared towards AI/ML work, so that’s probably my first choice in terms of career. On the other hand, Dreamyth was a thing once. I did at one time hold aspirations to make games. Given that I now actually know Unreal Engine, I could conceivably start finally actually making the games I want to make, even as just a side hobby.

I still don’t think I have the resources to start a studio. My wife is particularly against the idea of a startup. The reality is I should find a stable job that can allow my family to live comfortably.

These are ultimately the considerations I need to keep in mind.

…

by Josephius

On May 7, 2022

In Life, Poetry

Happy Birthday, and goodbye.
May your soul live on in the next world.
You who were the wind that never had a chance to take a first breath.
This world wasn’t fair to you.

It doesn’t matter what we were going to name you.
You can be anything, or anyone, now.
I’m sorry we couldn’t save you.
I’m sorry.

Little butterfly.
Perhaps in another parallel world things would be different.
You’d grow up and become a paladin, the things we wished for you.
The dreams that are impossible now.

I will remember you.
I will remember you.
I will remember you.
Happy Birthday, and goodbye.

A Poem

by Josephius

On April 1, 2022

In Poetry

That some moments are etched in eternity
The long lingering doubt
The faintest hope of a dream
The silence of time apart

That some memories are forgotten
The words never spoken
The places once visited
The feelings that cannot be

And yet the world continues to spin
Though hearts stop
And memories fade
And moments end

Tomorrow begins a new chapter
The sky of all colours
The wind that breathes for the first
And silent laughter of the stars

Dissonance

by Josephius

On March 30, 2022

In Life

The heart never listens. Words fail me.

But the truth is I need to stop this.

I’m sorry.

It’s Okay

by Josephius

On March 29, 2022

In Life, Motivational

The reality is that people sometimes do stupid things for stupid reasons. Our motivations aren’t always pure and worthy and too often we get carried away by emotions that lead us to do things we later regret. This happens a lot because we are human.

To be human is to be flawed. It is to be stupid at the worst possible moments in ways that will reverberate in painful memories that we feel later like we’ll never live down. Sometimes we don’t try our best. Sometimes we actively hurt ourselves and those around us because of the pain we are feeling and we act in ways that are senseless.

And it’s okay.

It’s not great of course. But at the end of the day, a reasonable person understands the difficulty of self-control, the challenge of being able to put our best foot forward day in and day out without lapses or moments of weakness where we struggle to be who we want to be rather than who we feel like.

We feel our own pleasure and pain first and foremost, and only notice the pleasure and pain of others secondarily through our ability to reflect and imagine what others must be feeling. This requires effort. Sometimes we just don’t feel capable. So selfishness is truly an understandable state.

Sometimes people can lash out in malice and then try to justify to themselves that the other deserves it. Cognitive dissonance can trap people in cycles of hatred and pain. These things are unfortunate. But they are understandably human reactions.

The important thing, the thing that not enough people do, is face the pain in themselves and recognize the extent to which they are holding onto things they don’t really need to. Sometimes it’s something they just can’t let go of. In which case one must show the kindest patience to them.

The right thing to do is often terribly hard to those for whom survival is a battle, who don’t have the luxury of distance, or the luck of gentler friendships. The world has made them understandably jaded and cynical. They probably will find it hard to trust you. And that’s also okay. You don’t need them to.

At the end of the day, what matters is that you don’t give up on them. You’re there if they ever need anything. You try to be encouragement when you can be, but you also understand the hurt they feel may never allow things to be as you’d hope. And that too is okay.

You may never know what it is in their hearts that makes them the way they are. But you understand that they are worthy of your kindness, because that’s who you want to be. And even if sometimes you feel frustrated and somehow make things worse, well, you’re human too.

No matter what they did, you want them to know it’s okay. You want them to be happy, even if it’s not something easy to say. And that too, is okay.

Some Thoughts

by Josephius

On March 28, 2022

In Life, Motivational

Note: Originally posted on Facebook on July 8, 2019

There are many things in this world that are not under our control. That’s fine. Worrying about those things is not productive, so try not to. Focus your energies instead on the things that you can reasonably affect around you. Do what you can to make the experiences of life around you something better first. If the opportunity arises to do something big and important, go for it. But not every circumstance is the same. Make the most of it, do what you earnestly, sincerely believe is right, to the best of your ability and understanding.

We are only responsible for what is within our power to change, nothing more, nothing less. Sometimes we think we are weak when we are strong, and vice versa. We cannot be certain that we are right, but it is our responsibility to try to understand as much as we can, and act according to the reason that makes us uniquely human.

Mistakes are inevitable. No one is perfect. We are all born into this world knowing nothing, forced to struggle to learn the truth in a world filled with uncertain doubts, grand deceptions, and unfathomable mysteries. That many of us rise above these things and reach towards wisdom despite them, should be applauded as the triumph of human decency and spirit.

Do not expect things to be easy, because all that’s left are the hard problems that caused past intellectual giants to stumble and fall. It takes humility to recognize that the challenges we face are not trivial, and that we may not see much progress in our lifetime. But if we can plant the seeds of the future, we can hope that the countless generations after us will be eternally grateful for our willingness to volunteer and sacrifice to do what we believe in.

Try not to let the harsh realities of the world shape you, but instead, adventure to reshape the world around you in a way that is beneficial to all who share in this place we call home.

Try to understand, and be gentle to those who are ignorant, for not everyone is as lucky as you who have the luxury to seek sometimes painful truths rather than the comfort of ideas that console and justify. And be always vigilant against allowing ourselves to be intellectually lazy, seeking convenient facts that excuse our past choices, rather than ones that will help us to make better decisions in the future.

It is likely beyond human comprehension to see the full view of the truth. We are invariably tied to the senses and our nature. But perhaps if we make the effort, we can still catch a glimpse of the possible, through the power of imagination and creativity.

Life is a gift, a rare chance to be a part of something exciting and wondrous. And though there will be moments when we don’t feel well, that’s okay too. Not every day needs to be bliss. Life tends to be a myriad of experiences, and so long as on balance, there is more happiness than suffering, I would argue the world is good enough to justify protecting and improving it, making it all the more worthwhile.

Ideally, we do so in a way that is fair to everyone, without exception.

Just some thoughts.